Who's got the shoulder when I need to cry...

They always say that God doesn't put you through anything that you can't handle, I wonder if that's really true. I'm going through things now that make me feel like I'm going to break at any moment.

June of 1999, I graduated from high school. I had been accepted to a lot of different colleges, and I was even offered partial scholarships to a couple of them. One of the schools that I had gotten a scholarship to was Temple University, I had visted the school and really liked it. The only thing that I hated was the fact that the freshman dorm rooms were smaller than the size of jail cell and I'd have to share it with someone. There was also one big shower room, yikes! But I guess that's part of the college experience, right?

I wanted to go to Temple University, but my father convinced me that going to that school would be horrible. It would be horrible because of the debt I would accumulate in student loans. He told me to go to Queens College because I'd receive a great education at such an affordable price! He'd pay the tuition if I went there. I didn't want to go to Queens College, I wanted to go away, but then I figured hey...it would be cool not to have $80,000+ in debt when I graduate.

Going to Queens College was a miserable experience. I had to take three buses to get to school, since I live in the Bronx and Queens College is in...Queens. Depending on the time of the day it would take me between 1.5-2 hours just to reach the school, so at max I was spending four hours each day riding the bus to and from school. Since I was a freshman, I didn't have much of a say on my schedule...so I had classes extremely early in the morning or late in the afternoon. Combine that with the bus ride and I had little to no time for studying. Attending Queens College was also a culture shock, there were really no Blacks there! Sometimes I'd be the only Black person in my class. I'd get to class and everyone would bond with someone...usually from their ethnic group...except for me. I joined the CSA, Carribean Student Association, in hopes of finding solace. I didn't find much, it was one big clique...no one else allowed! I'd see some of the people that were in club walking around campus...say hello to them and be ignored or looked at as if I were crazy. After a little over two years, and only 20 credits amassed I finally left.

I spend the next semester not knowing what to do. I had joined the gym and lost a ton of weight and gained a lot of confidence...so life was a little better. I then decided that I wanted to go back to school. The first place that I went was Fordham University, it was only 15 minutes away from my home, perfect. I met with an admissions counselor who told me that with my transcript from Queens, I wouldn't be able to transfer to the school, but I could enroll in their adult degree program and go to school at night. Hell no! I wanted to go to school during the day with everyone else, I thanked her for her time and left. I thought about other big name schools...NYU, Columbia, etc...but I figured they'd tell me the same thing Fordham did. So I checked out the school that I'm currently in...I called and was able to apply right away. My first semester at my current school, went extremely well. Three A's and B. The second semester went well too....then my usual decline began. I began to get tired of school...and my grades suffered. I began to drop classes and withdraw from entire semesters.

I enrolled and took classes for the Spring 2005 semester but decided to withdraw because I just didn't want to go, I withdrew at the point where I'd receive a 25% refund...I have to call an ask them about that. I was looking forward to attending school for the Fall semester but my father doesn't have the money, as usual, so I won't be going. I was very upset at first. A whirlwind of different thoughts and emotions were in my head. What if I had just gone to Temple, gotten loans like everyone else....would I be a college grad right now? Would I have a job...a career, my own place?! So many things..

After a lot of tears and screams, all aimed at my father, I got over it. Since I won't be attending school, I can work a couple of extra days out of the week and attend the gym. By the time the next Spring semester rolls around I'll have the money to pay for my own tuition. If you want to do something, you really can't rely on anyone but yourself.