Ebony and Ivory...

Ok, so I'm watching Primetime Live. One of the stories is of "twin" boys of different races. I just find it soo ironic that the Black one is named "Coon"...well that's how it's pronounced.

FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dieting and exercising is hard. I can't stress the last word enough. It is taking all of the strength in the world not to rush into my kitchen and devour the Entenmann's Butter Sunshine Cake, All Butter Loaf, Fig Newtons, Lays Potato Chips, and Oreo Double Stuff Cookies. Why is all of this stuff in my house anyway you ask?! Well the three other people I live aren't dieting, so they don't care. I think I'm addicted to food, I always over indulge. For example, you know how Fig Newton's always come in two individual packs of about 12...I'll eat 6. The serving size is probably like 3 cookies. It's the same way with Oreos...I'll eat like 8 of those things and the serving size is 3! I've also been actually reading the labels on foods and I didn't realize how many calories so many of the foods that I LOVE have in ONE serving and when I eat them I'm having about two or three.

Last night I made an avocado salad, which is pretty decent. I thought about going the vegetarian route, but I don't think that I have the much willpower so I'm looking into healthy recipes with lean meats. If anyone out there is reading can you please give me some links! I would appreciate it so much.

Score!!

This morning I was able to score front row tickets for John Legend's show at the Apollo Theater! I get to see JL up close and sweatable for the third time! I woke up at six in the morning to get ready because I planned on taking the bus downtown. Luckily, I was able to get a lift from my father because he wanted to buy a ticket too. I'll be very happy for the next few days because of this.

T.R.O.Y.

This morning my mother told me that we were going to clean the spare bedroom. Since we moved into this apartment, two years ago, the spare bedroom has been a store room, filled with all of our junk. I told my mother no. I don't like how she gets into moods and then tells me what I'm going to do, instead of asking me. I told her no, and instead of her starting on the room alone she retreated to her room to watch television. I went to the room later to fold the clothes that were sprawled everywhere, it's amazing how much bigger the room looks now. Anyway, while I was folding I came across a box of stuff that I had collected when I was younger. I went through it and had a great time.

There were a lot of magazines with JANET JACKSON, Brandy, IMMATURE, PENNY HARDAWAY, TLC, and other sports and music stars on the covers. It's amazing how I am not attracted to any of them men that were in Immature...they're all just...okay now, ten years ago I would've killed anyone that "dissed" them by saying there were "okay" looking. I also find my Janet Jackson "collection"...magazines, newspaper clippings, my fan club papers, tour books. Tour books nowadays are garbages. Janet's books were huge, made of heavy-weight paper, and were filled with beautiful pictures and loads of information, they were totally worth whatever I paid for them. Now, tour books go for $20+ and are four pages deep with pictures that you can see online everyday. I also came across my Dennis Rodman book Bad As I Wanna Be, which was certified and autographed...think it's worth anything? I remember meeting Dennis clearly.

My dad took me and my sister up to a Westchester basketball show, so I could meet him. I remember that we were the only Black people on the line, lol. I was so nervous, because I had a crush on Dennis at the time...young and crazy I was, and my hands were sweating. So when we get up there Dennis was really friendly, I guess it was the complexion connection. After I got my book signed, we were leaving and I see two White women wearing hooker/stripper uniforms consisting of skin-tight shiny pants, five inch heels, and halters let behind a rope to the area where Dennis was. I was disgusted. We then went to look around and I bought a ton of Penny Hardaway cards, and a picture of Kobe Bryant holding his trophy after he won the All-Star Slam Dunk contest.

It was good to go back in time for a little bit. But now I'm in the present. I don't understand why I can't get motivated to get up and do anything! I need help!

Okay I'm REALLY going to clean my room now.

Welcome back Kotter!!!

I've neglected this blog for a while, I guess it's because I didn't have anything to say. But I'm back!

I went to work on Monday in a funk. It was a combination of the fact that I had to work on a holiday, and I had my period. I was late and I walk in on one of the nurses calling up to the staffing office asking where I am. So now the funk has worsened because I've been reported. While the nurse is on the phone I look over and my friend, we'll call her Becky, looked at me with this smirk. I guess the smirk meant "Look at this bitch calling on you", but I wasn't in the mood. I avoided her the entire day...just because. I did talk to my other friend, we'll call her Suzy, just because.

I guess I was wrong. How would I feel if the tables were turned? But then again she had annoyed me, and that's how I react to people I'm annoyed/pissed with...I ignore them. I guess I was also annoyed because of her comment to me about my hair, which I so dearly love, the day before.

I got a haircut, which looks fabulous...I've gotten a lot of compliments. I always wear my hair shorter, but I grow it out in the summer so I can pin it up during July and August when the heat and humidity are killer, I know that sounds backwards...but it works. Anyway, we're leaving work and she says "Aww man Gina, why did you cut your hair?!", like it's a fucking horrible thing. I told her that I love my hair this way, and she says "Oh, well I liked it longer", well that sucks for you doesn't it Becky?? Now maybe you're saying...well what's so wrong about that? It's the way she said it! Maybe I'm just too sensitive.

Anyway, I'm going to have to see her this weekend, and I'm honestly not looking forward to it. It's like now everything about her bothers me. Like the fact that, I want more from her than she gives me. Now now...don't think this is turning into some lesbian thing because it isn't. It's the fact that she's so lame and doesn't want to do anything, and I thought we were supposed to be friends. Friends do things with each other don't they? A few weeks ago, there was a stripper cruise. My friend Suzy had gone to a show and brought the flyer for us to see. I was down to go because I hadn't been to a show in about four years. So I told Becky that we should go. Her response was "Why would I want to go when I have a boyfriend already?" WTF!!! What does having a boyfriend have to do with anything?? You're not going to have sex with the strippers! You're just going to have fun. So later on I'm still trying to convince her to go, she says that she's "not into that"...trying to come across as this pure person. This is so odd because she watches porn, BET Uncut, and is living with, not married to, and fucking her boyfriend! So she calls her boyfriend to talk to him about it, because she must tell him EVERYTHING. So she put him on the phone with Suzy. He asked Suzy why she wanted to go to a strip show when we could all go to an amusement park, arcade or go to the Virgin Mega Store and listen to music. The sad/funny thing about that...he was serious. If I want to listen to music I'll put on the damn radio...as far as amusement parks go...just...NO!

Do you people see what I'm dealing with here?! A brainwashed minion, whose only idea of fun is playing video games or listening to music...with her boyfriend! There are probably things that annoy the shit out of her about me, but who cares.

Ok, so I'm rambling now. But I'd like to get anyone's opinion on this, because I'm sort of torn. Should I apologize for Monday...should I talk to her about how I feel...or should I pretend like this never happened? Please help kind folks!

Oh Blog...

I've neglected you, little blog. Please don't fret, you will be updated today.

Who's got the shoulder when I need to cry...

They always say that God doesn't put you through anything that you can't handle, I wonder if that's really true. I'm going through things now that make me feel like I'm going to break at any moment.

June of 1999, I graduated from high school. I had been accepted to a lot of different colleges, and I was even offered partial scholarships to a couple of them. One of the schools that I had gotten a scholarship to was Temple University, I had visted the school and really liked it. The only thing that I hated was the fact that the freshman dorm rooms were smaller than the size of jail cell and I'd have to share it with someone. There was also one big shower room, yikes! But I guess that's part of the college experience, right?

I wanted to go to Temple University, but my father convinced me that going to that school would be horrible. It would be horrible because of the debt I would accumulate in student loans. He told me to go to Queens College because I'd receive a great education at such an affordable price! He'd pay the tuition if I went there. I didn't want to go to Queens College, I wanted to go away, but then I figured hey...it would be cool not to have $80,000+ in debt when I graduate.

Going to Queens College was a miserable experience. I had to take three buses to get to school, since I live in the Bronx and Queens College is in...Queens. Depending on the time of the day it would take me between 1.5-2 hours just to reach the school, so at max I was spending four hours each day riding the bus to and from school. Since I was a freshman, I didn't have much of a say on my schedule...so I had classes extremely early in the morning or late in the afternoon. Combine that with the bus ride and I had little to no time for studying. Attending Queens College was also a culture shock, there were really no Blacks there! Sometimes I'd be the only Black person in my class. I'd get to class and everyone would bond with someone...usually from their ethnic group...except for me. I joined the CSA, Carribean Student Association, in hopes of finding solace. I didn't find much, it was one big clique...no one else allowed! I'd see some of the people that were in club walking around campus...say hello to them and be ignored or looked at as if I were crazy. After a little over two years, and only 20 credits amassed I finally left.

I spend the next semester not knowing what to do. I had joined the gym and lost a ton of weight and gained a lot of confidence...so life was a little better. I then decided that I wanted to go back to school. The first place that I went was Fordham University, it was only 15 minutes away from my home, perfect. I met with an admissions counselor who told me that with my transcript from Queens, I wouldn't be able to transfer to the school, but I could enroll in their adult degree program and go to school at night. Hell no! I wanted to go to school during the day with everyone else, I thanked her for her time and left. I thought about other big name schools...NYU, Columbia, etc...but I figured they'd tell me the same thing Fordham did. So I checked out the school that I'm currently in...I called and was able to apply right away. My first semester at my current school, went extremely well. Three A's and B. The second semester went well too....then my usual decline began. I began to get tired of school...and my grades suffered. I began to drop classes and withdraw from entire semesters.

I enrolled and took classes for the Spring 2005 semester but decided to withdraw because I just didn't want to go, I withdrew at the point where I'd receive a 25% refund...I have to call an ask them about that. I was looking forward to attending school for the Fall semester but my father doesn't have the money, as usual, so I won't be going. I was very upset at first. A whirlwind of different thoughts and emotions were in my head. What if I had just gone to Temple, gotten loans like everyone else....would I be a college grad right now? Would I have a job...a career, my own place?! So many things..

After a lot of tears and screams, all aimed at my father, I got over it. Since I won't be attending school, I can work a couple of extra days out of the week and attend the gym. By the time the next Spring semester rolls around I'll have the money to pay for my own tuition. If you want to do something, you really can't rely on anyone but yourself.

When hating your mother...is REAL

Main Entry: hate
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): hat·ed; hat·ingtransitive senses
1 : to feel extreme enmity toward
2 : to have a strong aversion to : find very distasteful intransitive senses : to express or feel extreme enmity or active hostility

This feeling that I have toward my mother must be hate. When I think about her I want to scream/cry/punch a hole through the wall. Why do I feel this way? Well, last night I was telling my mother about someone who has done well academically. The person skipped a couple of grades as a young child, graduated at the top of class in high school, went on to an Ivy League university, and got a great job after graduating. My mother asks me how much time it took for this person to graduate college and I tell her four years, you know, the "normal" period of time. She then begins to make me feel lousy by saying that if that person could do that then why haven't I, that I'm wasting time, etc. My mother can also say a lot of things without actually saying it, if you know what I mean. I went to bed last night, very upset. I even had a dream that I beat her up, it felt so real.

I began college in 1999, and I'd say in between now and then I've taken breaks that have totalled to almost three years or six college semesters, of course I wouldn't have graduated at my normal graduation date of summer 2003. I've had a tough time since I started college, and I am also to blame for many of my problems, but making me feel like shit really isn't helping me.

So mother, FUCK YOU.