Ebony and Ivory...

Ok, so I'm watching Primetime Live. One of the stories is of "twin" boys of different races. I just find it soo ironic that the Black one is named "Coon"...well that's how it's pronounced.

FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dieting and exercising is hard. I can't stress the last word enough. It is taking all of the strength in the world not to rush into my kitchen and devour the Entenmann's Butter Sunshine Cake, All Butter Loaf, Fig Newtons, Lays Potato Chips, and Oreo Double Stuff Cookies. Why is all of this stuff in my house anyway you ask?! Well the three other people I live aren't dieting, so they don't care. I think I'm addicted to food, I always over indulge. For example, you know how Fig Newton's always come in two individual packs of about 12...I'll eat 6. The serving size is probably like 3 cookies. It's the same way with Oreos...I'll eat like 8 of those things and the serving size is 3! I've also been actually reading the labels on foods and I didn't realize how many calories so many of the foods that I LOVE have in ONE serving and when I eat them I'm having about two or three.

Last night I made an avocado salad, which is pretty decent. I thought about going the vegetarian route, but I don't think that I have the much willpower so I'm looking into healthy recipes with lean meats. If anyone out there is reading can you please give me some links! I would appreciate it so much.

Score!!

This morning I was able to score front row tickets for John Legend's show at the Apollo Theater! I get to see JL up close and sweatable for the third time! I woke up at six in the morning to get ready because I planned on taking the bus downtown. Luckily, I was able to get a lift from my father because he wanted to buy a ticket too. I'll be very happy for the next few days because of this.

T.R.O.Y.

This morning my mother told me that we were going to clean the spare bedroom. Since we moved into this apartment, two years ago, the spare bedroom has been a store room, filled with all of our junk. I told my mother no. I don't like how she gets into moods and then tells me what I'm going to do, instead of asking me. I told her no, and instead of her starting on the room alone she retreated to her room to watch television. I went to the room later to fold the clothes that were sprawled everywhere, it's amazing how much bigger the room looks now. Anyway, while I was folding I came across a box of stuff that I had collected when I was younger. I went through it and had a great time.

There were a lot of magazines with JANET JACKSON, Brandy, IMMATURE, PENNY HARDAWAY, TLC, and other sports and music stars on the covers. It's amazing how I am not attracted to any of them men that were in Immature...they're all just...okay now, ten years ago I would've killed anyone that "dissed" them by saying there were "okay" looking. I also find my Janet Jackson "collection"...magazines, newspaper clippings, my fan club papers, tour books. Tour books nowadays are garbages. Janet's books were huge, made of heavy-weight paper, and were filled with beautiful pictures and loads of information, they were totally worth whatever I paid for them. Now, tour books go for $20+ and are four pages deep with pictures that you can see online everyday. I also came across my Dennis Rodman book Bad As I Wanna Be, which was certified and autographed...think it's worth anything? I remember meeting Dennis clearly.

My dad took me and my sister up to a Westchester basketball show, so I could meet him. I remember that we were the only Black people on the line, lol. I was so nervous, because I had a crush on Dennis at the time...young and crazy I was, and my hands were sweating. So when we get up there Dennis was really friendly, I guess it was the complexion connection. After I got my book signed, we were leaving and I see two White women wearing hooker/stripper uniforms consisting of skin-tight shiny pants, five inch heels, and halters let behind a rope to the area where Dennis was. I was disgusted. We then went to look around and I bought a ton of Penny Hardaway cards, and a picture of Kobe Bryant holding his trophy after he won the All-Star Slam Dunk contest.

It was good to go back in time for a little bit. But now I'm in the present. I don't understand why I can't get motivated to get up and do anything! I need help!

Okay I'm REALLY going to clean my room now.

Welcome back Kotter!!!

I've neglected this blog for a while, I guess it's because I didn't have anything to say. But I'm back!

I went to work on Monday in a funk. It was a combination of the fact that I had to work on a holiday, and I had my period. I was late and I walk in on one of the nurses calling up to the staffing office asking where I am. So now the funk has worsened because I've been reported. While the nurse is on the phone I look over and my friend, we'll call her Becky, looked at me with this smirk. I guess the smirk meant "Look at this bitch calling on you", but I wasn't in the mood. I avoided her the entire day...just because. I did talk to my other friend, we'll call her Suzy, just because.

I guess I was wrong. How would I feel if the tables were turned? But then again she had annoyed me, and that's how I react to people I'm annoyed/pissed with...I ignore them. I guess I was also annoyed because of her comment to me about my hair, which I so dearly love, the day before.

I got a haircut, which looks fabulous...I've gotten a lot of compliments. I always wear my hair shorter, but I grow it out in the summer so I can pin it up during July and August when the heat and humidity are killer, I know that sounds backwards...but it works. Anyway, we're leaving work and she says "Aww man Gina, why did you cut your hair?!", like it's a fucking horrible thing. I told her that I love my hair this way, and she says "Oh, well I liked it longer", well that sucks for you doesn't it Becky?? Now maybe you're saying...well what's so wrong about that? It's the way she said it! Maybe I'm just too sensitive.

Anyway, I'm going to have to see her this weekend, and I'm honestly not looking forward to it. It's like now everything about her bothers me. Like the fact that, I want more from her than she gives me. Now now...don't think this is turning into some lesbian thing because it isn't. It's the fact that she's so lame and doesn't want to do anything, and I thought we were supposed to be friends. Friends do things with each other don't they? A few weeks ago, there was a stripper cruise. My friend Suzy had gone to a show and brought the flyer for us to see. I was down to go because I hadn't been to a show in about four years. So I told Becky that we should go. Her response was "Why would I want to go when I have a boyfriend already?" WTF!!! What does having a boyfriend have to do with anything?? You're not going to have sex with the strippers! You're just going to have fun. So later on I'm still trying to convince her to go, she says that she's "not into that"...trying to come across as this pure person. This is so odd because she watches porn, BET Uncut, and is living with, not married to, and fucking her boyfriend! So she calls her boyfriend to talk to him about it, because she must tell him EVERYTHING. So she put him on the phone with Suzy. He asked Suzy why she wanted to go to a strip show when we could all go to an amusement park, arcade or go to the Virgin Mega Store and listen to music. The sad/funny thing about that...he was serious. If I want to listen to music I'll put on the damn radio...as far as amusement parks go...just...NO!

Do you people see what I'm dealing with here?! A brainwashed minion, whose only idea of fun is playing video games or listening to music...with her boyfriend! There are probably things that annoy the shit out of her about me, but who cares.

Ok, so I'm rambling now. But I'd like to get anyone's opinion on this, because I'm sort of torn. Should I apologize for Monday...should I talk to her about how I feel...or should I pretend like this never happened? Please help kind folks!

Oh Blog...

I've neglected you, little blog. Please don't fret, you will be updated today.

Who's got the shoulder when I need to cry...

They always say that God doesn't put you through anything that you can't handle, I wonder if that's really true. I'm going through things now that make me feel like I'm going to break at any moment.

June of 1999, I graduated from high school. I had been accepted to a lot of different colleges, and I was even offered partial scholarships to a couple of them. One of the schools that I had gotten a scholarship to was Temple University, I had visted the school and really liked it. The only thing that I hated was the fact that the freshman dorm rooms were smaller than the size of jail cell and I'd have to share it with someone. There was also one big shower room, yikes! But I guess that's part of the college experience, right?

I wanted to go to Temple University, but my father convinced me that going to that school would be horrible. It would be horrible because of the debt I would accumulate in student loans. He told me to go to Queens College because I'd receive a great education at such an affordable price! He'd pay the tuition if I went there. I didn't want to go to Queens College, I wanted to go away, but then I figured hey...it would be cool not to have $80,000+ in debt when I graduate.

Going to Queens College was a miserable experience. I had to take three buses to get to school, since I live in the Bronx and Queens College is in...Queens. Depending on the time of the day it would take me between 1.5-2 hours just to reach the school, so at max I was spending four hours each day riding the bus to and from school. Since I was a freshman, I didn't have much of a say on my schedule...so I had classes extremely early in the morning or late in the afternoon. Combine that with the bus ride and I had little to no time for studying. Attending Queens College was also a culture shock, there were really no Blacks there! Sometimes I'd be the only Black person in my class. I'd get to class and everyone would bond with someone...usually from their ethnic group...except for me. I joined the CSA, Carribean Student Association, in hopes of finding solace. I didn't find much, it was one big clique...no one else allowed! I'd see some of the people that were in club walking around campus...say hello to them and be ignored or looked at as if I were crazy. After a little over two years, and only 20 credits amassed I finally left.

I spend the next semester not knowing what to do. I had joined the gym and lost a ton of weight and gained a lot of confidence...so life was a little better. I then decided that I wanted to go back to school. The first place that I went was Fordham University, it was only 15 minutes away from my home, perfect. I met with an admissions counselor who told me that with my transcript from Queens, I wouldn't be able to transfer to the school, but I could enroll in their adult degree program and go to school at night. Hell no! I wanted to go to school during the day with everyone else, I thanked her for her time and left. I thought about other big name schools...NYU, Columbia, etc...but I figured they'd tell me the same thing Fordham did. So I checked out the school that I'm currently in...I called and was able to apply right away. My first semester at my current school, went extremely well. Three A's and B. The second semester went well too....then my usual decline began. I began to get tired of school...and my grades suffered. I began to drop classes and withdraw from entire semesters.

I enrolled and took classes for the Spring 2005 semester but decided to withdraw because I just didn't want to go, I withdrew at the point where I'd receive a 25% refund...I have to call an ask them about that. I was looking forward to attending school for the Fall semester but my father doesn't have the money, as usual, so I won't be going. I was very upset at first. A whirlwind of different thoughts and emotions were in my head. What if I had just gone to Temple, gotten loans like everyone else....would I be a college grad right now? Would I have a job...a career, my own place?! So many things..

After a lot of tears and screams, all aimed at my father, I got over it. Since I won't be attending school, I can work a couple of extra days out of the week and attend the gym. By the time the next Spring semester rolls around I'll have the money to pay for my own tuition. If you want to do something, you really can't rely on anyone but yourself.

When hating your mother...is REAL

Main Entry: hate
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): hat·ed; hat·ingtransitive senses
1 : to feel extreme enmity toward
2 : to have a strong aversion to : find very distasteful intransitive senses : to express or feel extreme enmity or active hostility

This feeling that I have toward my mother must be hate. When I think about her I want to scream/cry/punch a hole through the wall. Why do I feel this way? Well, last night I was telling my mother about someone who has done well academically. The person skipped a couple of grades as a young child, graduated at the top of class in high school, went on to an Ivy League university, and got a great job after graduating. My mother asks me how much time it took for this person to graduate college and I tell her four years, you know, the "normal" period of time. She then begins to make me feel lousy by saying that if that person could do that then why haven't I, that I'm wasting time, etc. My mother can also say a lot of things without actually saying it, if you know what I mean. I went to bed last night, very upset. I even had a dream that I beat her up, it felt so real.

I began college in 1999, and I'd say in between now and then I've taken breaks that have totalled to almost three years or six college semesters, of course I wouldn't have graduated at my normal graduation date of summer 2003. I've had a tough time since I started college, and I am also to blame for many of my problems, but making me feel like shit really isn't helping me.

So mother, FUCK YOU.

Atlantic City...

On Friday I went to Atlantic City to see my favorite artist, John Legend, perform at the House of Blues: Atlantic City, which was located inside of the, Showboat Hotel and Casino.

I thought that John's performance at Central Park was phenomenal, but this one was even better! Not only because John winked, pointed, and made lots of eye contact with moi, but because his voice is just amazing. This man performs 5x out of a week, and he's always so invigorated. His energy was incredible, and he even came out to the crowd! If I had the money I would travel to see this man perform in other cities.

After my short trip this weekend, I have come to the following realizations:

a. I must learn how to drive.
b. I'm not that big.
c. Doing things alone, really is better.
d. My mother is annoying.

I realized that I need to learn how to drive because we had to take a Greyhound bus out there. Sometimes taking public transportation is better, but in this case taking our car would've been much better. My mother was worried about leaving our suitcase in the holding compartment on the side of the bus, so she decided to bring it on board and put it in the seat next to me. Unfortunately, the suitcase didn't buy a ticket. Everything was fine and dandy until two women boarded the bus at the last minute, a BIG one and a BIIIIG one. The BIIIIG one decided to sit next to me, and because of the suitcase copped an attitude. I dealt with this by keeping my cool, but being firm and attitudinal right back at her ass. Since I'm no lightweight, and this chick was on super sumo status, it made for the most uncomfortable of rides. She was spilling all over me, her arm was beating up my arm, and she was sweating on me. Sweating on me!!

Sometimes I get a little upset and sad because of my lack of friends, the ones that I do have...are a little off, so going out with them is a no-no. When going to concerts, it would be nice to share the experience with someone, ya know? After Friday, I realized that doing things alone really isn't that bad. After settling into our room, my mother wanted to get something to eat. At check in we received a coupon for five dollars off to a buffet located inside of the hotel, we had spoken to people earlier that told us the food was good. With the coupons, the buffet would've have totaled out to $24 ($12/each). Since my mother is one of the cheapest people on the planet, she wanted to eat at the Sands hotel because their buffet was only $7.77 per person, what the hell is an $8 difference?! In her world, that's like a million bucks. I went with her because I felt obligated to, she kept on reminding me about the cost of the hotel room. As soon as we stepped outside my hair died, I couldn't believe that it fell almost instantly! The sweat then began to form. I hate the heat with all of my being. If I could control the weather, Summer would never exist. I told my mother that I could go for a slice of pizza. Her response "Will that hold you?" The fuck?! A slice of pizza has "held" me every other time, this is NO different. She then says that she wants "real" food. As we walk, and walk, and walk some more I become more and more angry. I wanted to leave and go back to the hotel, but I was scared of her response. When we finally reach the Sands, well we were a block away...I lost it and told her that I was going back to the hotel. I went back, bought and overly priced muffin and strawberry frappucino from Starbucks. I went up to the room and prepared for the show. While I was in the bathroom, I heard my mother come in, when I came out she asked me if I wanted any food. Do you know what the "real" food was that she came back with? French fries, and a cheesesteak!! I couldn't fucking believe it, all of that complaning about junk along the boardwalk and that's what she ate at the Sands, what an idiot.

Since I now know the routine about traveling to A.C., I will save up my money and do it alone. I do not like to accomodate other people, I like to do what I want to do.

A.C. is the place to be!!

Well folks, I'll be gone until Sunday. It's going to be a weekend full of fun, festivities and fornication!!! Ok well, maybe not the latter of the three, but I'm off to Atlantic City. Details on Sunday!

True to Myself, ya'll

I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed because I didn't know that Eric Benet's album had been released. It was released on June 21st, a month ago! I say that I'm embarrased because I'm supposed to be this major Eric Benet fan, I should know these things. When Eric's first album, True to Myself, was released I couldn't stop raving about him. I was only 14 at the time, so I wasn't able to convert any of my friends to Benet Heads but I was able to convert my mother and a lot of the older people in my family. I should have been paid for all the pub that I gave that man.



With all of that being said I'd like to review his latest album. This is my first time ever writing a review, so please be gentle.

Eric Benet released his first album, True to Myself, in 1996. His second album, A Day in the Life, released in 1999 garnered him a Grammy nomination for his song "Spend My Life with You" featuring songstress Tamia. He caught the acting bug, making guest appearances on the sitcom For Your Love and starring in Mariah Carey’s movie Glitter. He then went on to marry actress Halle Berry in 2001, which subsequently ended in divorce in early 2005. After six years, Eric is finally back with his latest release entitled Hurricane.

The title of the CD, Hurricane, is a metaphor for last few years of Eric’s life, consisting mainly of his battles with infidelity and sex addiction, as well as his messy divorce. But after a hurricane you rebuild to make things whole and new, this is what Benet does with his latest effort.

Hurricane, is very different from his last two albums. The last two albums featured songs that were uptempo, jazzy, soulful, and even a little funk-filled. This mainly ballad-filled album features lots of instruments from strings to horns, as well as acoustic guitar. This took me for a loop the first time I listened to the album. Sometimes changing styles can be detrimental to an artist, but this wasn’t the case for Benet.

The album begins with an acoustic driven track called "Be Myself Again", it’s reminiscent of his song Chains from his first album. While I’m not partial to the down home, hokey sound of the guitar I like the lyrics a lot. Eric states that he was lost and now he’s found himself again.

The Eric of old returns with Pretty Baby, the theme of the song is like one of my favorite songs "Olivia (Lost and Turned Out)" by The Whispers. A young woman is allowing her body to be used and abused by men, Eric is telling her that she is too smart and beautiful to allow herself to be treated that way.

"Hurricane", the title track, is beautifully orchestrated and written. Eric tells the story of how sometimes we are in bad situations that we know are bad, but we try to mask it over to make it look good. Sometimes something even worse, a hurricane, is needed to make you realize this and get you out of the situation.

"India", a song dedicated to his daughter, is another song in which the old Eric comes out. The lyrics are beautiful and the music and Eric’s voice are heavenly.

"The Last Time", I heard the end of this song at the end of Eric’s interview with Diane Sawyer on Primetime Live, and I knew that I would love it. This songs reminds me of a Nat King Cole song, it’s very jazzy.

Overall, I’d give this album and A-. The minus because songs like "Be Myself Again", "My Prayer", and "Man Enough to Cry" are simply not Eric’s style. They are too hokey and sappy. Even though, the style of this album has a changed from the previous two, I do not think Eric Benet fans will be disappointed. Eric’s voice is still as pure as it has ever been.

We'll have a gay ol' tiiiime!!! © The Flintstones Theme Song

Why do women marry gay men? Let me rephrase that, why do women marry OBVIOUSLY gay men? Why would any straight man in his right mind put fake braids/locs/twists in his hair if he isn't doing a movie with M. Night Shyamalan or Quentin Tarantino, I see you Sam Jackson ;-).



This photo really takes the cake. Look at homeslice on the right like I know they aren't photographing me with this fake loc wearing fool!



Last week I purchased Neutrogena Acne Mark Fading Peel, but I didn't use it until today. It claims that after 8 weeks you should notice that dark marks caused by acne will be noticeably faded, it also claims that after three days tester saw results. I did notice that when I washed it off my skin felt very smooth, so that's a pro. The only con is that the smell is horrid. While wearing it I breathed through my mouth.

Why do people call you with NOTHING to say? I don't like speaking on the phone, it's something that I've never liked to do. If I do have something to say I can talk on the phone like a champ for a couple of hours, but that's rare. I think about 2 weeks ago I called ES to see how he was doing, he's in Miami and this was when the hurricane was supposed to hit. Well, we ended up talking for almost three hours, talking about various things, it was a good conversation. This fool MESSED it up by calling me the NEXT day! He's known me almost a year, doesn't he know my limits. Now if he wanted to call me the next day, then he should've spent an hour with me the previous day. I wasn't in the mood to talk, so I let him do the talking, while I ad libbed here and there. He then asks me what was wrong, he said it seemed like I didn't want to talk. Well DUH, you wasted all of your GE Anytime Minutes the previous day! I told him that I was tired, and he told me that whenever I had the chance to call...I haven't called, and I don't think I want to.

My buddy, my buddy, wherever I go he goes...

cut buddy
function: noun
definition: a person that you are not in a relationship with that you call upon to fulfill your sexual needs.

The idea of a cut buddy is an interesting one, no emotional attachment just straight sex. How can people do it? Giving your body, your temple, to someone who doesn't care about you, it's just odd. By giving your body to someone who doesn't care about you, that must mean that you don't care about yourself, right?

I won't say that I haven't fancied the idea of engaging in such a relationship. I was actually confronted by the idea yesterday. A fine young man, and I do mean fine, worked with me yesterday. Backstory:

I've known this young man for a little over a year, and for that entire year+ he has wanted me, sexually. This young man has a child, and when I asked him about his situation with the mother of his child he said that he wasn't interested in her anymore because of her attitude. After numerous groping/fondling/kissing sessions I told him that I'd consider it and I would call him. I've never made the call.

Yesterday we had another one of those fondling/groping/kissing sessions and I asked him about his current situation, the mother of his first child is now pregnant with his second. He gave his lame excuse while trying to slide his hand down my pants.

It's funny because even though I think this is wrong, I'm enabling it. Kissing/Fondling/Groping is cheating...right? Right?

Same shit, different day...

I did my normal Friday thing, I ventured into the outside world. First stop of the day was my favorite nail salon, Royal Nails. My favorite mani-pedicurist, Nancy, is pregnant...very pregnant, so she's unable to do pedicures. That woman is the only one who can work my footsies to perfection. The others do okay, but no one is Nancy.

After that I headed over to Duane Reade to buy some toiletries. I like to think that Duane Reade is cheaper than Rite Aid, but it isn't. I spent entirely too much money in there, and my reward was a measley five bucks off my next purchase, it's not like I won't be using that coupon...but still!

I then went to the hair salon, which reeked. They were eating food, which smelled like shit. You know how you usually acclimate to a smell, well this time it didn't happen...the food just reeked. I think I should invest in a hood dryer and rollers. I started going back to the salon because my hair began to look unhealthy after I was doing it myself for so long. The main problem was the blow drying, too much heat. If I just wash and set it myself for the first few weeks after my relaxer I could save the $80/month I spend on my hair.

Now, I'm at home with nothing to do. Well actually, I'm waiting for my mother to come home because I need to go to the laundry. I wish she'd hurry up.

Cousin Jeff Chronicles

Tonight BET showed it's second episode of the Cousin Jeff Chronicles, the topic was obesity in the African-American community. They documented a teenage girl who weighed over three hundred pounds, and her family. Some of the things that were said during this show really hit me. When the girl's mother was talking about her weight problem she said something along the lines of "Well, if I would've known that she had these genes, I would've never fed her cookies. I wasn't like the caucasian mothers that fed their children carrot sticks". Then they said how the way Blacks in the country is cultural thing. Fried pork, fried chicken have been staples foods in our community. I believe this is true, but how long can this be an excuse?

It's know that eating too many fried foods, food high in sugar, etc is unhealthy. So why do we continue to eat them in bulk? Why aren't there more health food stores in Black communities. How come when you walk into the supermarket the first things that greet you are cookies, chips, soda, sandwiches?

It's so funny that the commercials played in between the show were for Coke, and Fanta sodas..

I guess a healthy lifestyle has to start in the home, but if a parents wasn't taught how to live healthy how will they teach their children? Is school the next step? I remember being in junior high school and not playing during phys. ed., me and my friends would just talk. Sometimes I really wanted to play, but I felt so self-conscious that I didn't. In high school, physical education was MANDATORY, I didn't over exert myself if I didn't have to...

What is the solution?!

I was right...

Just had a blow up with my younger sister. This morning I purchased a ticket for her online for this tour at this venue. Well I mistakingly thought that section 63 said 83, I mean look at it! So I get her a ticket. She checked online at another site and looked at a the seating chart, a better one, and noticed that section 83 wasn't close to the stage, so she asked me about it. After looking at it, I was shocked, and told her that I was sorry. She then said that she didn't want the ticket. I wasn't sure if you could cancel ticket orders from ticketmaster.com, but I was going to try. So she calls my father, after I told her not to. She basically wanted to get me into trouble. This is what I don't like, I hate childish games. I was able to cancel the order, and I immediately cursed her out afterward.

I'm sick of it though, I'm sick of cursing her out. I'm sick of feeling the way I do right now, like I've been had. Yesterday, I told my sister that her favorite rapper was going to do an interview at a local radio station. She was downtown and was able to get there via train. She was able to get a picture with him, because of me. Even though, I made a mistake with the ticket, I was the one doing all of those searches online...not her, and I still get treated like crap. When she goes to special events, who's digital camera is she using? Mine!

I'm tired of doing and not getting anything in return. Yeah yeah...I know you should just do things out of the kindness of your heart, but geez! When I do for her I'm not really expecting anything, but can I get some respect?? Can you not want to screw me over?

She's done, and I"m done with her.

Talk...

I don't really talk to my housemates (my mother, father, and younger sister), I talk to them...but I don't talk to them if you know what I mean. Just a few minutes ago, I was talking to my sister. I felt like we were sort of connecting, she was talking to me like one of her friends. I know we'll have an arguement in a few minutes or hours, but it's all good for now.

Nightmare

I had a nightmare last night/early this morning. I was on an airplane with my mother, where we were going, I don't know. The Guyanese people who live down the block from us and their friends were on the plane also. When the plane begins to take off they are still making their way to their seats. One of their friends had a boom box on his shoulder BLASTING music and I began to scream at him. Everyone on the plane was screaming at them to sit down, then the pilot of the plane came out. He told us that since they were in first class they could do whatever they wanted. Then he races to the front of coach and puts his head on the floor and notices that the floor is extremely cold. He says uh oh, and then I begin to panic. For some reason there was some temperature change and we were going to crash. Knowing this I called my father and sister at home. This is when it REALLY gets weird. I was talking to my father and sister, but I wasn't in the plane anymore. I was talking to them from the window of our old apartment. My father and sister were outside and it was snowing very hard. I was telling my father that I was sorry if I ever hurt him, and he looked at me with his "ah, shut up" face and waved his hand dismissing me. So I told him that I was serious, and then my sister came and I told her the same thing. Then I woke up. It was very scary.

9/11 really shook me as far as planes. I'm afraid of terrorists doing something, and just afraid of the plane crashing in general. My family was going to go on vacation and I was psyched to go then I realized we would have to take a plane, and I wasn't excited anymore.

I didn't go to the gym yesterday and most likely I won't be attending today. I'm really concerned about what I'm going to wear this weekend to work. I have a pants outfit, but I need something for Sunday. I think Monday is the day to start this "new" me...what's the point of starting now?

Why is it so difficult for me to just go out and do this?! I mean why? I've got a lot of things to think about because this isn't making sense. In order to change you must go out and do it, it's not going to happen automatically. I want to do this, but I'm to lazy to go out...go figure.

First Post

I have another journal in this vast space, but I don't feel that I can be completely honest there, and I wonder I'll be able to be completely honest here. You see, I feel that if I'm completely honest there people might look down on me, think I'm weird, or think that I'm crazy. It's not like I have anything major going on, I'm not Karrine Steffans or anything.

I'll start by describing myself. I'm in my early twenties, and I'm attending college. I honestly hate school and the only reason why I'm attending is because I want the finer things in life and a high school diploma isn't going to cut it. I honestly wish that I could just bag a rich man and be taken care of for the rest of my life. Is that horrible? I mean If I bagged a rich man tomorrow, I would still finish school, but I wouldn't be in a hurry to do it. I hate my body. Right now, I'm an amorphous blob. I honestly feel that I don't get a lot of things because of the way that I look. I think the fact that I'm so unhappy with myself is written all over me, and turns people away. I started going to the gym about four weeks ago because I was going to finally change! For about a week and a half I was doing the damn thing! For the first couple of days I could barely move because I was working out so intensely. Then I stopped, I just didn't feel like doing it anymore. If I would've continued I would probably be able to fit into my summer clothes now. I CAN'T FIT INTO MY CLOTHES FROM LAST YEAR! I've gained so much weight it's disgusting. I have to do this. I can't look this way anymore!

Today, I've decided that it's a brand new day. I already started this new me, by finally cleaning up my damn room, which isn't finished but compared to what it was this morning...it's CLEAN. This morning I will eat a light breakfast, finish cleaning my room and prepare for the gym in the afternoon. Today's trainer is a monster...but that's a good thing.

When I get home, I won't eat what my folks prepared since it's most likely some high cholesterol, high caloried, fat ridden meal, so I have to find something to eat.

Honestly, why is it so expensive to eat healthy? On a board that I frequent someone asked the question about the obesity problem in the Black community. Someone made the point that healthy food is expensive and it's much easier to buy unhealthy meal for 5 bucks! The person who originally asked the question said that was a bad excuse, but is it? When I went to Whole Foods, I spent over $40 bucks alone on fruit and vegetables, and there wasn't a lot of it! With $40 I could've bought 8 buckets of chicken from the fried chicken spot on the corner, or tons of McDonalds. So the person was right, it IS expensive to eat healthy, but I guess in the long run....living past the age of 60 is worth it.Ok, I'm done...it was nice to be able to just write. Some of it was probably rambling, but so what!

Well...

My light breakfast consisted of three Eggo waffles covered in butter and syrup, dah well. I still plan on going to the gym this afternoon.

My dog bit the HELL out of me, this isn't the first time he's done this. My dog is evil. My slob of a father left chicken bones, wrapped in a greasy napkin somewhere. My dog found it and decided to eat them. My dog is very food protective, and when you try to take food from him...he'll try to rip you apart. I tried using pieces of turkey, he wouldn't drop the bones. My mother tried cheese, wouldn't drop the bones. I grabbed the back of his head and it loosened his grip on the bones. He went for my hands and arms and bit the living hell out of me, all while my mother is standing there like an ass. So I got him to release some more of the bones and instead of her moving the bones out of way while he's attacking me, she's still standing there...like an ass.

Well, after crying in agony for a few minutes in my room I went to the living and beat his ass.

Sometimes I hate that fucking mutt.